Big Stages & Breadcrumbs

How did it come to be that I took the stage in front of 300+ judges and opened their annual Wisconsin Judicial Conference on Wednesday?!

I’ll tell you:

Several key women opened doors for me and I rushed through them each time one opened.
…that’s how!!

In the spring of 2018 I attended my first Nevada Justice women’s “badass” CLE for women in law. There, I met some incredible ladies include Sari, Randi, Dorothy and of course Julie, the head of the host organization. It came to be that Sari’s talk was to include a five minute talk about health and wellness. I boldly and audaciously asked to give it a go for her.

I don’t know what it was inside me that said, “do this, megan,” but something did. It felt worth taking risks for.

I prepared that night and arrived the next day ready to go.
That morning the ladies in charge said that they weren’t sure I could do it since it hadn’t been pre-approved by “the CLE folks” ahead of time. I persisted… they agreed… and I got up and gave my talk…. Short and sweet on topics I’m most passionate about. I was given really positive feedback.

Later- Julie asked me to be the speaker on health and alcohol for the Nevada bar conference in San Diego. My talk would earn ethics credits that all lawyers need and therefore, the room would be packed. I jumped at the chance to give this talk and it again netted me some positive feedback. Julie wrote a recommendation for my website -speaker page:

“Megan spoke at a seminar I coordinated and she blew the audience away. She is smart, energetic, motivating and empowering. I have already booked her to speak again.”

— Julie Ostrovsky, Deputy Executive Director, Nevada Justice Association

**just this last May 2021, a lawyer at a trial college in Cabo walked up to me and said that talk had changed his life. He’d quit drinking and really taken stock of his life and health and doubled down on getting healthy. Wow. My heart absolutely burst with this news.

I think because Julie’s recommendation was on my website or perhaps the folks who host these conferences probably all talk about speakers - I got a call in 2019 from Bryan with the Wisconsin bar and he invited me to speak at their summer convention. I went and gave my talk the summer of 2019 and in that audience was a woman named Kristin. We Immediately connected and to this day she credits that talk for why she drinks a glass of water each morning. 🙏🏼

Bryan then asked me to speak last summer (2020) at their womens’ caucus- which was postponed to 2021, and yes, I did. Kristin introduced me and spoke so fondly of me I felt like her audience was basically compelled to like me ;)

Kristin then went a step further and recommended me to her state bar judicial committee for their annual judges’ conference. That’s when all of the state’s judges convene to get boosted morale and education updates and so on.

Yes-one woman- Kristin opened this door for me and she’s the reason I got to stand up on a stage on Wednesday in front of the Wisconsin judiciary and do my very best to boost their morale, remind them why they started, and inspire them to take better care of themselves and in so doing, model self care to our entire profession.

Sari - Julie - Kristin … these women opened the doors for me. When they didn’t have to or need to and they had no skin in the game- they suggested me and I’m externally grateful.

Of course I’d be remiss if I didn’t thank the woman who taught me how to be a public speaker and how to love it…. That’s my mom. ;) she took me to toastmaster meetings with her when I was young (back then, I assumed this was a US Postal thing, which is where she worked- because you know, toastmasters, postmasters…) by observation I began to appreciate the importance of feeling comfortable being in front of a group of people speaking. Tbh - I’ve never understood why public speaking is feared second to (or as much as) death itself. I’ve always enjoyed it. It’s not something to fear. And that’s because of my mom.

…when it was time to graduate middle school I somehow (??) was nominated to give our graduating ceremony speech - I guess much like a high school valedictorian would but for 6-7-8th grade ;) I recall the auditorium being pretty full with a few hundred people there, it was a fairly big school and I was up on a stage wearing my little suit and with the notes of the speech we’d prepared and practiced.

It felt like a big deal to me. It felt good to do it well. I don’t recall what I said but I felt good about how it went.

Since then I’ve embraced opportunities to give speeches and talks.

In college I studied corporate communications. More speeches. Loved it. Then law school. Moot court and more talking in front of audiences and mock juries and so on. Loved it. And then lawyering. Focus groups. Trials. Conferences.

I’ve probably given hundreds of presentations to law enforcement groups, bike shops and cycling teams. I’ve given a handful or more on cycling law as part of legal seminars and CLEs. I’ve done now 10-12 in my role as “Trial Athlete,” where I talk to legal groups and orgs about health and wellness in this profession. This one this week was my first- but hopefully not my last -to a roomful of judges.

I am actually paid to speak.

After all these years and talks, I get paid to show up and do something I love and I hope- to change peoples lives for the better as they sit in their chair and lend me an hour of their time and attention.

I can think of no better way for me to serve this profession which is so hard on the humans in it. I can serve individual clients well, but I can have far greater impact serving large groups of lawyers and judges in this fashion. Giving more talks like this and the time and energy it takes is a small part of what motivated me to retire from my day-to-day lawyering and law firm ownership. I aim to spend my energy in bigger and more impactful ways.

And I hope to open doors for other women the way these women opened doors for me.

Here’s what I want to share for this experience share: my internal guidance system has always nudged me to say yes to these opportunities. Even though this trip involved flying to Wisconsin and being gone for three days and two nights and a rental car and two hours of driving each way plus airport chaos etc … it would have been SO much easier to say no. And yet I knew it was a yes.

I feel called to this type of work and that’s why I can say these YESSES are HELL YESSES. And when you know you know. When it’s a grey lukewarm “uhhh ok,” that’s really a hell NO. I’d be feeling resentful for this trip and the inconvenience of it if it were a lukewarm “sure.”

Instead I felt - and feel- lit up about it. And my intuition tells me to pursue more of this. So I shall. And when it is no longer a hell yea for me, I’ll acknowledge that too. Because “hell YESSES” can change. And that’s been a big aha for me recently also.

What lights you up?
As you look back …what breadcrumbs have led you to some of your best decisions and experiences ? What was your gut and inner knowing signaling to you in those breadcrumb experiences- and how did you know it felt RIGHT?! As you look back on what got you where you are today, what patterns emerge for you?

Finally … what door has someone opened for you and what door can you open for someone else?

Keep your eyes open and opportunities for both will appear.

The State of Our Profession

By “our profession,” I mean the legal profession, to be clear.

In a few days I have the extreme honor and privilege of speaking to the Wisconsin Judicial Conference, which will consist of approximately 300 judges sitting in one room listening to me talk about why I feel that the practice of law- and the work of a judge- is an endurance sport.

It’s hard. It requires a lot of focus and discipline, commitment to the cause. Judges work long hours, they often are paid less than they made at the private firms they left in order to take the bench. The public, and the attorneys, are often unhappy and each day includes battles of civil, criminal and domestic issues, contentious dialogue, win versus lose propositions, and heartbreak (i.e. criminal sentencing hearings, hearing from the victims).

Out of law school I clerked for 2 judges— the first, a wonderful woman named Peggy S. McGraw, in Kansas City, MO, and the second, a wonderful man named Jack Berryhill, in Golden CO (now my home jurisdiction).

Both of those jobs- and judges- taught me a LOT. I saw first hand in my work behind the bench, just how hard it is, just how much they grappled with decisions, just how much they tried their best every damn day to give their very best to the job. They were often first in and last to go, working far more hours than their government salaries warranted. They worked to be well prepared, well read, current on case law, new legal issues, they worked hard to listen fairly, to make good findings, to listen fully, to be present.

Sitting — literally SITTING — all day behind that bench, I saw them give it everything they could.

Earlier this year at a women’s trial lawyer CLE I had the amazing opportunity to sit next to a brand new judge during one of our morning yoga sessions. As we chatted, she shared that her transition from being a public defender to now being a judge was causing an immense amount of pain. Literally - pain. Her back and hips were killing her now that she was stuck sitting for 8+ hours a day. She reflected that her work as a Public Defender, (while it involved some sitting of course), did allow for more movement both inside the courtroom as well as in the hallways, between hearings, and between her office and the courthouse. Now, she shared, she was pinned to her bench and chair, with few chances to move her body during the day. And it hurt.

What if… I asked her… you implemented a courtroom standing break once an hour, for 1-2 minutes? I bet the jury members, the attorneys, anyone present, would be so grateful for that. The normal bench seats in the backs of courtrooms resemble wooden pews from churches- they are so hard on the back and on the butt. And the jurors are also forced to sit and pay attention with few chances to move. What if you gave EVERYONE the opportunity and invitation to join you to stand every hour?

She said, “you know what?! I’m going to try that. Why not!!”

WHY NOT INDEED. If we do what we’ve always done, we will get what we’ve always gotten.

And friends — sitting is the NEW SMOKING.

“Last year the Annals of Internal Medicine published a study of 8,000 adults that showed an association between prolonged sitting and a risk of early death from any cause. (People who sat for no more than 30 minutes at a time had the lowest risk in that study.) Other research has linked prolonged sitting or other sedentary behavior to diabetes, poor heart health, weight gain, depression, dementia, and multiple cancers.” —https://www.yalemedicine.org/news/sitting-health-risks

And now…. I get to stand up on a stage in front of 300 judges and do my best to boost their morale, lift their spirits, give them hope —and homework to do-- so that in the days and months ahead, they can boost not only themselves in their work but also the morale of all who appear in their courtroom- most specifically, the lawyers.

I am, and have been for some time, gravely concerned about our profession.

Lawyers are not kind to themselves, the stress of the work and pressures, the hours and the client demands and the chase for “partner” status along with everything else, wearing one’s 80 or 100-hour-workweek on the sleeve as a badge of honor, saying things like “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” ….it’s cracking lawyers.

Alcohol consumption has always been a central theme and part of this profession- you see it in almost any lawyer movie or show; usually there are some nice crystal glasses with an expensive whiskey or scotch being sipped by the lawyers in expensive suits winding down at the office at the end of a very long day. You see parties, happy hours, law firm events, social events, conferences, CLEs, all intertwined with numbing-out agents, like booze. And I get it. Just because I choose not to drink, I’m not someone who shames people for choosing to let their hair down.

What does worry me, is the excessive consumption in our profession. The stats are GRIM. Here are a few that I usually share in my presentations:

In 1990, the International Journal of Law and Psychiatry surveyed close to 1,200 lawyers in Washington State. It found that 18 percent of respondents were problem drinkers. Among highly educated professionals, by contrast, this number sits at around 12 percent. Lawyers, it seems, were at a higher risk.

In 2016, the American Society of Addiction Medicine conducted a new study on this topic. In email interviews with lawyers across the United States, the organization asked a series of questions about alcohol use. In the end, 12,825 lawyers completed the survey, and close to 21 percent of those respondents screened for “hazardous, harmful, and potentially alcohol dependent drinking.”

Almost 25% or one-quarter of our legal profession is in trouble. And that’s just among those who agreed to be in these studies. One in 4 lawyers is a problem drinker.

On a Monday morning in July of 2015, David Whitten arrived at his office. He had a full slate of meetings in his calendar. He also had a crippling hangover. “For the first time in my career, I wasn’t capable of meeting my obligations.”

At 41, Whitten was astonishingly high functioning. He was the co-founder of Whitten & Lublin, one of the top employment boutiques in the city. And in person, he was also a consummate professional: confident and gregarious. The sort of person who could mingle with colleagues or put clients at ease at painful moments in their careers.

He was also a long-time heavy drinker. “I would describe myself as a weekend warrior,” he says. “I never blacked out, drank and drove or had any criminal behavior. But come Friday night, I was the first one to grab a cocktail.”

He had come to rely on alcohol to weather the strains of life. “I didn’t know any other way to relax,” he says. “And when I promised myself I’d only go out for two beers, I couldn’t. There are people who can leave a half-full glass of wine on the table and walk away. I was the guy who couldn’t leave a drop behind.”

“I would think to myself, I work hard, and I party hard.”

But to leave work because of a hangover? That was impossible to dismiss as harmless. “It really scared me,” says Whitten. He knew he had to face the problem.

Inside the legal profession’s alcohol problem, March 2020: https://lawandstyle.ca/law/cover-story-inside-the-legal-professions-alcohol-problem/

I also want to address mental health — secondary trauma, specifically. How many of us in this work are exposed to tremendous trauma of our clients, the horrific events they’ve been through…. did anyone train us to cope with this trauma we absorb and/or witness/see in our client interactions or the videos/photos in the case file?

“Exposure to gruesome imagery can be associated with distress.  In fact, in 2013, the American Psychiatric Association amended its guidelines on post-traumatic stress disorder to recognize that immersive work with traumatic imagery is a specific risk factor for journalists, police officers and others absorbing such images on a regular basis in their jobs. ” https://dartcenter.org/content/working-with-traumatic-imagery

Other professions receive help to deal with the trauma they experience on the job:

•Law Enforcement and criminal justice professionals are trained in death, trauma, vicarious exposure

•Fire Fighters are trained to prepare for and deal with trauma on the job

https://www.firerescue1.com/health-wellness/articles/planning-for-trauma-how-to-protect-firefighter-mental-health-eq8AL7m7z7IvzWpm/

•Journalists are trained in how to process images and avoid unnecessary exposure

https://dartcenter.org/content/working-with-traumatic-imagery

•Doctors are trained in medical school to manage death/ are provided mentors and counselors to assist them in processing these issues

https://theconversation.com/how-doctors-are-taught-to-deal-with-death-84429

Sadly, most lawyers and judges are NOT trained to manage or handle the trauma we experience in our jobs.

“Secondary traumatic stress, also known as vicarious trauma or compassion fatigue, is a condition that mimics post-traumatic stress disorder. It is caused by being indirectly exposed to someone else’s trauma. Much has been written about secondary trauma for social workers and therapists who work directly with children and adults who have experienced trauma…. Many lawyers, judges, and others who work in the …court system are unaware that secondary trauma might be affecting them or their colleagues.”

“Any organization that works with individuals who have suffered trauma should focus on secondary trauma. ”

-Understanding Secondary Trauma: A Guide for Lawyers Working with Child Victims (ABA)

What to look for?

 The symptoms of secondary traumatic stress that are most typically seen in the workplace are:

•avoidance (e.g., arriving late, leaving early, missing meetings, avoiding clients, skipping certain questions during interviews),

•hyper-vigilance (e.g., feeling on edge, perceiving colleagues and clients as threatening, feeling like all clients are in danger),

•seeing things as “black or white” rather than tolerating ambiguity,

•becoming argumentative, and

•shutting down or numbing out (alcohol and drug use are common coping mechanisms).

Secondary traumatic stress can also impact people’s personal lives. Common symptoms can include:

•sleep disturbance and nightmares,

•headaches,

•stomach pain,

•PTSD symptoms such as intrusive thoughts and memories; severe emotional distress or physical reactions to something that reminds the person of the traumatic event; avoidance of people, places or things that remind the person of the event; irritability, angry outbursts or aggressive behavior; inability to focus; being easily started; hyper-vigilance,

•extreme fatigue/always tired,

•negative thinking and a tendency to become upset about everything,

•strained relationships with family and friends,

•compromised parenting, and

•doubts about whether the world is a safe place.

WHY DOES THIS MATTER?

Secondary trauma causes fight or flight activation ….  READ THAT AGAIN.

If you are in fight-or-flight you are NOT in inner-peace headspace. 

“We aren’t designed to be in the sympathetic nervous system all the time. In fact, the opposite is true. We’re designed to be in the parasympathetic system the majority of the time, and use the sympathetic system as needed. The parasympathetic system is settled and calm. It’s the resting phase. It’s the way we act and feel when there’s no imminent threat. Our heart rate is low, we’re open and curious, emotionally stable, relaxed but alert. You can think of these two systems as a scale or a see-saw—they’re binary. So if we’re really activated and our sympathetic nervous system is taking over, the parasympathetic system goes down.”

https://www.aprilmcanally.com/single-post/2017/03/11/a-guide-to-preventing-compassion-fatigue-and-secondary-traumatic-stress

Chronic Fight or Flight - Aka The body’s stress response  = bad for our health.

“Repeated activation of the stress response takes a toll on the body…. chronic stress contributes to high blood pressure, promotes the formation of artery-clogging deposits, and causes brain changes that may contribute to anxiety, depression, addiction, and obesity -- both through direct mechanisms (causing people to eat more) or indirectly (decreasing sleep and exercise).” 

https://www.health.harvard.edu/staying-healthy/understanding-the-stress-response).

https://www.forbes.com/sites/nomanazish/2019/05/30/how-to-de-stress-in-5-minutes-or-less-according-to-a-navy-seal/?sh=3f03f6973046

When you’re chronically stressed, the SNS is overly active and perpetually engaged

Consequently, your breathing migrates from the belly — where a relaxed breath originates — to the upper chest, where the shallow breath of stress keeps us feeling continuously on edge. So we get ourselves stressed out, and then we tend to …..stay there.

I don’t have the answers to these large challenges facing our legal profession, but I DO hope that giving talks like this one, to judges and to lawyers, my work with them in coaching and helping them hold themselves accountable TO THEMSELVES to take better care of their health- physically and mentally - to seek out therapy and to investigate triggers, trauma and pain and to explore ways to keep more of a balance between work and life…can one by one help us turn these trends and tides around.