I am in a season of immense grief.

Like- the kind you can’t see the end of, the kind that grabs you by the throat at the most unexpected times, brings you to your knees sobbing… that kind of grief.

My grandmother was diagnosed with COVID in early November and was hospitalized - she went downhill quite quickly, and passed away on Thanksgiving. I was so fortunate to be able to fly back to Omaha to see her just days before she passed. But given the cruel reality of the COVID situation, we weren’t able to sit with her, to hold her hand, to be in her room- we were forced to peer in at her from the building’s exterior window- and to speak to her using our cell phones talking to her via her room’s speakerphone.

By the time I got to see her, she was no longer speaking, eating, or drinking. But she could still wave- and hold eye contact. It was two days of freezing rain and sleet, soaking through my puffy jacket, as I stood outside her window weeping and talking to her - until my phone battery would die. At which time, I’d walk back to my hotel, plug it in to charge, try to dry my soaked shoes, before I’d go back once again to her window.

A few days after seeing her - I learned from my father that she’d passed away Thanksgiving evening. The reminders to call her Sunday night still pop up on my calendar- and I’ve still got a few of her recent voicemails. It’s surreal, to be in this world now, without her. I don’t know that it will ever fully set in.

She and I would LAUGH uncontrollably… ;)

I had the amazing honor and privilege of writing her eulogy… and it should have been delivered live, in a church packed full of people who came to see her off and pay their respects… instead, it’s been recorded as audio for a website link that will be live for 30 days. A virtual funeral…. this is the age we live in.

A week after her passing, I drove to Gettysburg SD, my birthplace, and the site of her burial, for her “wake” and cemetery graveside service. There were 5 of us present. It has been so hard to see my grieving dad and uncle mourn the loss of their mother. Our entire family has been rocked by this loss. Yes, she was 94.5… but she was also active, healthy, and independent just weeks ago. It feels surreal.

Yet. Here we are.

Oh my sweet Grandma Jane, you are so very missed.

At some point in this midst of this, a good friend in Nebraska texted me telling me he was selling his built-out van, (since he and his wife loved life on the road so much, they’ve decided to upsize from van to motorhome). I told him I’d keep an ear out for someone who may be interested…. it wasn’t even remotely on my radar but I figured I’d find someone to check it out.

On my solo 9-hour drive home from the funeral in SD, I began thinking in earnest about the van…. I asked for more information about it, and the more details he sent and the more photos I saw, somehow I began to sense that it was the right move for ME to buy his van. I can’t explain it … I didn’t have any specific plans for it at the time- I didn’t have any real intention towards it— but my gut told me to just trust it.

And so, a week after the SD trip, I went to Lincoln, Nebraska, grabbed the van and drove it back home. This was a Wednesday. The entire drive home I began envisioning things I could do with the van-trips that I could take, the options it gave me and my 2 dogs to road trip without having to mess with hotels, etc. In the era we’re living in of COVID, this is a huge benefit. We would be totally self-sufficient, and could see things off the beaten path, via van trips.

With much of law practice shifting from in-person to online/virtual, I can work remotely while maintaining the same caseload I’ve maintained for years - so long as I’ve got internet, literally anything is possible.

I can represent my clients well - perhaps even better than every before -from anywhere.

Yes. Please.

When I arrived home, I “christened” the new ride by making a cocktail in the “kitchen” at the end of my driveway…. A negroni — (the alcohol-free version, thanks to Lyres) - delicious:

The next day, Thursday— two weeks after we lost Grandma Jane…. my beloved peanut butter pitbull, Phoenix, began crashing hard on me. At 14.5 years young, she was the human equivalent of 100 years old. And while she’d been given a dire prognosis back in July, she’d continued to go on walks, beg for food, cuddle and be her true self all summer and fall. Until Thursday night. I stayed up all night with her on the couch and by Friday morning it became apparent she was telling me she was ready to go.

Friday afternoon, December 11, I found myself at the vet- holding her in the “rainbow bridge” room, telling her goodbye— overcome with sobs and emotions — and even shock once she was gone …. my immediate reaction was, “NO! I change my mind, bring her back!” Oh my God, that agonizing pain- the way part of your heart gets ripped out.

I don’t know how I ever drove myself home.

Phoenix rode in the van only once - that one, last drive together - to her journey over the Rainbow Bridge. I wish the vet’s office had been hundreds of miles away. I wish our drive had been longer together. I wish I had more time with her. Ah… I wish. So many things I will miss about her. And my heart is so full of gratitude for having had her by my side for 14 and a half years. What a gift and blessing she was.

Oh my sweet Phoenix, you are so very missed.

“It came to me that every time I lose a dog they take a piece of my heart with them, and every new dog who comes into my life gifts me with a piece of their heart. If I live long enough all the components of my heart will be dog, and I will become as generous and loving as they are.”

— -author unknown

It is devastating and heartbreaking - grief stacked on top of grief.

And let’s not forget, we are in the midst of continued COVID lockdowns and limitations, holidays looming, the days are short and the nights are long and the weather is cold. I struggle with friends and family I’d love to see and hug, who say we cannot be together, while I observe them socializing with others or breaking their own rules... I know no one really knows what to do during all of this, but as someone who craves her support system now more than ever, It’s been a brutal and isolating combination of multiple forces overlapping all at once.

I have responded to this by sleeping... A lot. I put myself to bed REALLY early these days.

I also know it won’t always be this painful.

The sun WILL come out tomorrow — perhaps not in my heart for a few weeks or months- but it will be bright again someday. I am just in one of those really hard seasons right now… I can’t see when it will end, or how … all I can do is trust in the knowing that someday it will feel better.

And so, this is how my van life story begins:

In grief.
In deep sadness. In pain.

Should we run from it and busy ourselves into avoiding it- or should we sit in it fully, until it subsides?

I don’t have the answer to that. I am taking it as it comes.

This entire year has been about surrender for me. Now more than ever I am in full surrender mode. What’s next?

I don’t have to know.

What I do have, is a new van, and my dog Ramsey, by my side. And together, she and I — we’re going to go have some adventures.

If these past few weeks, plus a near-death experience back in October, have taught me nothing else, it’s to get busy livin’ …

Where did I begin my vanlife research? Well, with books, naturally…. Here are the first 3 I’ve purchased and read. The 2 vanlife books are really helpful and inspiring! I specifically chose one by a male author and one by a female author, one more focused on outside-the US travel, and one focused on travel w/in the US. And- The Parks book is like a road trip wish list!

*NOTE: As an Amazon Associate I earn commissions from qualifying purchases.

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